If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
You Might Also Like
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
We like the way Dwight thinks
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now