So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
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It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.