If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?