@Staggfilms

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

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@GensPlace

By the time I catch up with a joke format, I’m like a baker trying to sell yesterday’s doughnuts.

@SarahMJade

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

@HatfieldAnne

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

@lazerdoov

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

@monica_L1257

*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water

*speechless*

@sixfootcandy

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”