If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
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My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol