@RefractReality

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

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@toriTBC

When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.

@gwatts77

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

@thevickster_sa

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

@BringDaNoyz

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

@dumbbeezie

When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.

@KimmyMonte

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

@jennyjaffe

“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.

@SexySpacePrince

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

@treydayway

I get accused of hating white people many times on here. That’s not true, some of my favorite shirts are white.