If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

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When a guy texts “your beautiful,” reply with “my beautiful what?” then laugh and laugh and never talk to that nice idiot again.


Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.


Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da


“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”



When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.


If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.


“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.


*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?


I get accused of hating white people many times on here. That’s not true, some of my favorite shirts are white.