If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
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And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
mariah carrie
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
No point crayon over spilled milk.