Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird

Me: Me? Weird??

Husband: PLEASE

[ Later ]

Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper