If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”