If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You Might Also Like
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
bad news gang
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.