If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.