An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Yep.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
There are no pants in heaven.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop