Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

😭😭😭

Pigeon open mic night.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

The real reason evolution started..😂

cause of death:
autopsy.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

I’m the neighbor

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs