@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

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@IncrediblyRich

After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I’m currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@Browtweaten

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

@BoogTweets

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

@ddrwg

[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
Aww man.

@hansabumsadaisy

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

@nbadag

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

@Average_Dad1

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

@Jandalize

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.