If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
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Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.