Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
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Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.
Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic
Both my ends are business ends.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate