@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

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@OllyiConic

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

@Douchekevin

Wife said she was ‘retaining water’ and I said I’d wondered who drained the swimming pool.

Been 4 days and I’m still hiding in the attic

@sixfootcandy

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

@FatherWithTwins

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

@YoungNobler

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate