are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
You Might Also Like
After six years of being responsible, I finally went and lost my phone last night. I’m currently using Twitter from the web. LIKE A CAVEMAN.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.
#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.