@lawyerthoughts

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

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@Cheeseboy22

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

@T_Bonezzz_

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

@pearlylondon

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

@megfraser

Inspired by Baby Jesus, I’m hoping to get nailed this weekend.

@NurseSeymour

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

@iGreenGod

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.

@emptyheadtwo

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

@bfrosty04

Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…