If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
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You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT