@dumbbeezie

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

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@GrandadJFreeman

Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga

@jonnysun

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

@decentbirthday

[waking up after car crash]

Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes

@bobby

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

@eric10F

“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*

@WornOutMommy

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

@Sean_Burgundy_

When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot

@brandynwiththey

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.