If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

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Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga


its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects


EMT: *checks my pulse*
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on


[waking up after car crash]

Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes


when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.


“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*


I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”


When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot


My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.