If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.