If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂