If you see me online 30mins after I said I was going to bed, mind ya business.

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One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.


Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun


Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder


Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]


When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”


When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.


Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.


I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms


After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall


I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party