One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
If you see me online 30mins after I said I was going to bed, mind ya business.
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Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Has that literally ever worked?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party