If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
You Might Also Like
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)