If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

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[guy driving the same kia waves as he passes us]
son: why did that man wave at you
me: because we’ve both made the same mistakes in life son


I don’t play mario kart with my brother anymore.

Because we are both in our 20’s & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.



or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller


HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s


I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.


A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want


Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot


Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!


*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”


Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency

Me: yes


Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency

Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]