Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Salad is the decaf of food.