If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Monday
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills