@SarahB_D

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

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@RodneyH42

A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam

The other 40% of us would rock that shit

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

@JohnLyonTweets

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

@EyeSeeYou619

I want to be rich enough that when complimented on my Star Wars t-shirt I can give it to them revealing the exact same t-shirt underneath.

@BlairLoudly

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@owlcity

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.