A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam
The other 40% of us would rock that shit
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I want to be rich enough that when complimented on my Star Wars t-shirt I can give it to them revealing the exact same t-shirt underneath.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*