If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.