If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
You Might Also Like
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
😂💯
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another