@robwhisman

if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

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@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@_Tempo11

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

@TheToddWilliams

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

@le_buns

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

@Hella_Rad

sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something

@Eden_Eats

Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@Brampersandon_

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

@chuuew

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

@economybacon

Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh