i think we should see other cousins
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Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Bloody internet 😳
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
BETRAYAL
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
*jingles half the way*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*