if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

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When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.


Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.


[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.


“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice


sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something


Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.


FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*


SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal


Man, my car is so fast, it could outrun a man combined with a horse

“You mean Centaur, right?”

Ohhh somebody went to college ooohh