If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

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Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?


Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.


In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.


Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian


I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.


Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh


During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded


Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.