If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
You Might Also Like
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
the prophecy has been fulfilled