Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
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Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.
In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish
Press 1 or 2 for Indian
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.
Must be a safety in numbers thing.