@SondraDeeMe

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

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@djdarrellripley

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

@Sarcasticsapien

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.

@Shock_Monster

In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.

@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@jackiembouvier

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

@ElleOhHell

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

@lovemydogduck

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

@SteveKoehler22

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.