If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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I did not eat the cake…
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.