If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
#ParentingFacts
#parenting
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.