If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!