If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

You Might Also Like


Hipster: Check out my mini..
Me: *snatches and eats
Hipster:.. Bonsai tree
Me: *swallows* It’s alright for a veggie
Me: anymore?


I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.


Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?


DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point


Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.


[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body


me: and they’re unhealthy


I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.


I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *


me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”