@Donna_McCoy

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

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@ThaJawn

Hipster: Check out my mini..
Me: *snatches and eats
Hipster:.. Bonsai tree
Me: *swallows* It’s alright for a veggie
Hipster:
Me: anymore?

@highwaytohelv

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

@Brampersandon_

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

@mydanimarie

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

@Oh_God_Why_Me

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

@andlikelaura

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

@venomjunkie2

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

@BrianIncognito

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

@KeetPotato

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”