Hipster: Check out my mini..
Me: *snatches and eats
Hipster:.. Bonsai tree
Me: *swallows* It’s alright for a veggie
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
me: and they’re unhealthy
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”