@Bob_Janke

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

- @Bob_Janke

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@StephenKing

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

@AndyRichter

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

@IamJackBoot

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

@longwall26

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

@Sassafrantz

Doctor: where does it hurt?
Me: [shows him an empty bag of Cheetos]

@ItsNateDavis

Heard a 28yr old describe herself as old.

Need help disposing of a body.

@TrondyNewman

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

@seamussaid

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

@chuuew

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you