If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
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[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.