If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.