Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
You Might Also Like
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
🤣✨#caturday
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.