@Nickadoo

If you set fire to LMFAO they’ll become ROTFLMAO.

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@caithuls

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

@DistractedMomma

Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.

@novicefather

You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

@torrami

Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.

@KentWGraham

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

@ipalatsky

it would probably never occur to you, but if need be, yellow pages book can knock your opponent out without any visible bruising.

@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them