Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
If you set fire to LMFAO they’ll become ROTFLMAO.
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Turns out, telemarketers don’t like it when 5 year olds answer the phone and tell them princess Ariel stories.
You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
it would probably never occur to you, but if need be, yellow pages book can knock your opponent out without any visible bruising.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them