History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”