My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.
You Might Also Like
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50