If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.

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COP: put ur hands in the air
ME: ok
C: now flip them over
M: k?
C: now cross them
M: what
C: put them behind ur head
M: why-
C: hey macarena


I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.


don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die


God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?


Horse: God? why?


ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it


The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.


[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then


My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there


I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.