@KKAlThani

If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.

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@MarfSalvador

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

@Taylor_Stag

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

@Spaziotwat

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

@gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

@sfreeze6

So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?

@Tinkerbell_

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

@BritXNic

Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.

@MelKassel

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50