@KKAlThani

If you set someone free, love them. Wait I mean, if you love someone for free, set them. That doesn’t make sense. Forget it.

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@hippieswordfish

COP: put ur hands in the air
ME: ok
C: now flip them over
M: k?
C: now cross them
M: what
C: put them behind ur head
M: why-
C: hey macarena

@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

@vladyhh

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

@nyquills

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

@joejwest

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

@OMGSoOverIt

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

@david8hughes

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@jenspyra

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.