You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
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[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
The Weeknd is back
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident