I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
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She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: