If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.

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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶


GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.

I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.


I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.


You could’ve told me that wasn’t your real name before I got the tattoo.


I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.


My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.


Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.


[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah


Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?