“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.