If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Baking is just science you can eat.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
What an awful time to have common sense.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.