INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.