If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]