If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Warm pools make me nervous.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
.. do you even science?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Where’s my employee discount too?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.