If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I feel seen
dutch is not a serious language
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
But wait…
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens