If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
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doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Monday Lisa
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice