If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Anyone really
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.