This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
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Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)