If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.