@notbedelia

If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.

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@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@simoncholland

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

@SortaBad

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

@JPLFR80

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

@TheTweetOfGod

“I want my country back” is a fair and accurate thing to say if at one point in your life you owned the country.

@poutinesmoothie

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

@robin_991

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids