morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
You Might Also Like
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?