if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
yeah not falling for this one
Seems kinda suspicious
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”