@illingsworth

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

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@JustLikeMikee

70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
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@ArfMeasures

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

@hythemafia

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

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@dorsalstream

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

@iamspacegirl

‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’

My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably

@lildandeli0n

Caller: I’m your worst nightmare.

Me: Whaaat?? You’re a sugar free cookie??

@jonnysun

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR