Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Genius idea!!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.