[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
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My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁