If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
#dnd #ttrpg
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
welp
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.